I don't claim to be the easiest person to get along with.

But I'm conflicted.
Do you 'try' and tolerate what's an irritating/frustrating trait till you can't, then speak out?

Or do you say from the beginning, I have a problem with the fact that you smoke/fixate on small grammatical errors/etc., it's irritating as well, and still try and be friends anyway?

Personally, I'd really rather you just tell me upfront?
I don't want to be blindsided by frustrations that boil up when things get heated, when people are tired or whatever.

I'd rather always know that there's this thing that's going to be a sorespot.

Just. So. Frustrated.

Since I last posted.

There's little to say. Except, recently, since before Switzerland...

I feel like the search for a significant other is futile.

/selfpity

I can't quite describe the feeling I get when I 'prune' people off Facebook.
In October November alone I've cut around a 100 people off my Facebook friends list.

From what I can tell, most don't notice.

But back to the why. I could give you the rational reasons... but there's something a lot more visceral. It's a rush I get. Like playing 'chicken'. There's that moment where I'm thinking if I dare to delete this person. Will they notice? Will they care? Nah they won't care. But what if they do? All these questions are just rushing through my mind, my heartbeat picks up...

And then I click delete, confirm, ok. And I exhale slowly.

The need to be heard is funny thing.

Particularly when you're passive aggressive. You want people to know you're irritated, but you don't really expect anything to come of it.
You just want people to know, y'know?

Days like today... I realised that getting a smart phone really fucked me over.

I used to be ok with absolutely solitude. Not doing anything on Saturday nights, not expecting to have plans.
I could coop myself up all weekend just playing computer, reading, whatever.

And now... I can't. I'm bored being at home, and although I have so many games I could play, starting them is a little bit overwhelming.
Conversely, no one seems to be free. And that annoys me. Because it's basically saying I used to have no expectations and was happy, and now that I've built up expectations of a social life, I've a higher likelihood of being disappointed. That's just, kinda fucked up.

I want to retreat back into the antisocial wilderness, but that's actually quite hard with a smart phone. As in, it takes a lot more willpower. A lot.

Sigh.

I give up.

Each off day I think about going back to work and my centre sinks just a little.

It feels like if it happens enough times I'll have my centre drop out from inside me and yank me into inverting.

Someone tell me what to do with my life.

Take my heart in its million pieces
Strewn across the page
Cut yourself on the countless edges
As you try and mend my soul

Know that you will never fix it
I'll never be the same
I'm not that boy who sat there crying
Lost when she said goodbye

I've given up on my ever-after
For the now if not tomorrow
Accept me in my broken stature
And wait for my goodbye.

I can only keep up a monologue for so long.

K thanks bye.

I have decided that like food, good books and the anticipation of good books deserves nomnomnoms! Books are nom! They truly are! Soul-nom!

Books on the to read list:

Ascendant, by Diana Peterfreund, to be released 28th Sept, 2010

The Wizard Heir and the The Dragon Heir, books two and three of the Heir trilogy.
Both by Cinda Williams Chima, already released

And the Seven Realms Series, The Demon King and The Exiled Queen, also by Cinda Williams Chima, with the former already out, and the latter to be released on the 28th of Sept, 2010

Fire, by Kristin Cashore, already released

I'm also waiting for the next installments to Tamora Pierce's Beka Cooper Series and Michael Scott's The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel, both expected in 2011.

Sigh. My mother was right when she said that when I start working the two things going to kill my ability to save are going to books and food.

My Valedictorian speech

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Before I say anything else, I would really like to take this unique opportunity to wish my mother happy birthday. She’s the petite Asian woman in the second row, to the right of the aisle. And if you bump into her later, feel free to wish her too. Ok. So.

Honoured guests, parents, sponsors, family members, loved ones, I’d like to thank all of you for being here, to share this special day with us, graduates.

Graduates

I like the sound of that word.

Graduates.

Some of us have waited a long time for this day. I look around and see faces I’ve worked alongside since January 2007, when most of us were young, fresh and so energetic. Some of us are still young, some of us are still fresh, but not that many of us are really that energetic anymore.

But here we are, poised to move on to the next phase of our lives. And rather than dwell on what we’ve gone through to get here, I’d like to talk about what we take into the future. I think, regardless of what you think of our time here, one thing that all of us can take away are the relationships and friendships we’ve built. There just aren’t many other places where one can meet so many people from so many nationalities. Before I came, I had just an average impression of the world’s different countries. I knew that Sweden gave us Ikea and gravlax, and that all Mexicans like tequila. But now, now I know that Sweden has an excellent education system but really high taxes, and that only most Mexicans, like tequila. Well, I also now know the difference between a taco, burrito, enchilada and quesadilla. But more than bits of trivia and the way around a menu, I hope we all take away friendships that we’ll sustain into the distant future. That the friends we’ve made here, the relationships we’ve established, are ones that we can rely on and believe in, no matter how far apart we are.

So I’ll be awaiting wedding invitations... You people know who you are.

I also want to take this chance, to thank the people who’ve helped us arrive here today. To our sponsors, our parents and our loved ones. Thank you. For your support, belief and faith. I’d like to thank my mother for my chance to be here, for raising me to be who I am. The only reason I’m standing here, making a speech today, is because of how she raised me.

To our lecturers, for always being vibrant and passionate, showing that a gruff, old exterior *COUGH* can still contain a young heart. Personally, I’d like to thank Mr Remy, for always being so genuinely concerned about whether I was fine. Mr Eckles, for his sharp sense of humour and choice nicknames for students. Ms Ninan, for challenging us to think beyond our social and political perspectives and for being kind enough to humour me whenever I asked the most tangential questions. Which was, all the time. Dr Imboden and Ms Pulfrey, for showing me that research and statistics are far more interesting than anyone gives them credit for. No. Seriously. And to all of you, my fellow graduates, for making these semesters fun, exciting and memorable. To all those of you I have worked with, whether in HO1-3, or in this last year, thank you.

I’d also like to thank Mr Clive Taylor and Ms Claire Jeannerat, for always being supportive of any activities I suggested, or any ideas I had, particularly on behalf of the Singaporean community here in Les Roches.

Don’t worry, I’m almost finished. I’ve made all the jokes I could think of, and hopefully thanked all the people I should have. If I haven’t thanked you and I should have, I sincerely apologise, and please know that it is not because you weren’t important or appreciated. It is because graduating can make one giddy and forgetful. Much like age or alcohol.

I want to close by wishing my fellow BBA graduates of Winter 2010 all the best. Things will probably only get more difficult from here on out, and figuring out what you want in life sounds a lot easier than it is. But do that. Decide. Work for it. Fight for it. Seize it. Don’t let your worth be dictated to you. Don’t let the world make your decisions. Choose a goal in life. And settle for nothing less.