We broke up.
I'm not sure it was the right thing to do?

I'm not sure if I'll regret it.

Is it right for me to take away someone's happiness for the hope of me being happier?

Quoted of Glass Castle
"Attacking women on the basis of appearance - suggesting that women's visual attractiveness is a precondition for the legitimacy of our social participation - is a classic misogynist trope, which is only effective because it taps into a widespread belief that women's primary value comes from our use as ornaments or accessories."

I get the argument.

However, the question is, is the writer over-thinking, or am I under thinking.

I insult everyone based on appearance. Short, fat, tall, thin, bald, pudgy, pale, tan, it doesn't matter, I'm gonna make fun of you anyway. Male or female.

Am I doing this because I've been conditioned into thinking that male AND female visual appeal is a prerequisite for respect, or is because I inherently believe that insulting a person's looks is a fast and simple way to insult someone.

And. If I don't believe that visual attractiveness is a 'precondition for legitimacy', does me calling me male friend 'short fat motherfucker' perpetuate that? Or is it only when I attack women based on their looks...

And yes I'm seriously asking this.

It's hard to post when the last four posts one makes don't get any replies.
I suppose that's my fault though, that I update so infrequently that people just stop reading.

Anyhoo.
The whole AWARE thing has really been dominating my internet activities recently.
Between that and my psychology project on cultural attitudes towards gender roles,
I've been reading A LOT about gender recently.

So let's not talk about it.

I made a private post a while back, so too bad for those of you who don't have LJ,
but essentially I reaffirm what I said in that article.
There are times when I am made uncomfortable standing up with the 'mostly' liberal ideals I believe in,
because I actually find the people who argue by my side occasionally over-sensitive. I emphasis 'occasionally' greatly. I can't quantify for you when with any clear certainty, or provide a clear framework, but even after they justify the magnitude of their reaction, I still find myself unable to agree.

Does that matter though, in the grand scale of what I believe? Not really.
It just makes me question whether I really believe what I believe because I am not as conscious of the 'implied' discrimination or 'unacceptable' nuances that a few others seem to see.

And that in turn makes me wonder if others like me end up disassociating themselves from movements because they feel insufficiently moved (when they well might be) or simply disapproving of the magnitude of reactions.

Excerpt from Miles Kington, found in my Food and Beverage supplementary textbook.

A man staying at a seaside hotel finds he can have 'Eggs - Any style' and proceeds to test the waiter and kitchen with demands for eggs representative of different artistic styles and historical periods. Examples:

Art deco : A boiled egg in an art deco cup with 1920s spoon

Neo-classical : A plate of scrambled eggs arranged under a palladian arch of toast

Fauvist : A plate of loosely cooked eggs dyed purple and red and smeared across the plate (inedible)

Celtic revivalist : Coddled eggs in a nest of seaweed

Jazz age : Eggs with gin

Finally on the last day the guest asks for eggs, post-modernist style. The waiter replies, 'We at this hotel do not think that post-modernism is worthy to be called a style, Sir.', adding 'It is merely a ragbag of cultural mannerisms.'

Laughed so hard at that one.

I find myself very sad to only discover now, that JB Jeyaretnam passed away while I was in Provence.
I find it amazing that no one actually ever mentioned this while I was in Singapore, and that no hint of it even appeared in the news.

I found out today.
And... it's sad, because I really respected the man.

I remember always seeing him outside Centerpoint and wishing I had the guts to ask him how everything felt. How he saw things, what he would do again.

I now find out we have a new Opposition party in Singapore called the Reform Party.
Can't say much for the name, but I like the idea.

I was just rereading JBJ's life on Wikipedia... and when you read what happened on hindsight,
you really have to wonder how we survive in our country.

http://xkcd.com/513/

Shit. I've been found out.

I'm actually an incredibly envious person.

I get envious almost every time I go on Facebook. Can you believe that?
Almost every time. It's usually someone different each time, something new to wish for...

It just occurred to me today though... not sure why.
But today's envy list included:

A's cute girlfriend (who admittedly only looks cute in that ONE photo)
B's recent holiday out to who knows where with amazing scenery and many smiles
C's seemingly content existence, posting about happy things and random thoughts
D's seemingly close friendship with someone that I wish I was close to

And the list goes on... and on... and on.
I never thought I was the envious sort. But I guess I am.

On another note, the other day I was standing behind this girl I knew, while waiting to pay for pizza.
And I was struck with the incredible urge to grab her around the waist and bury my face in her hair.

Fortunately I managed to settle for just poking her in the ribs.
I actually thought I was over this girl. Not that I was ever seriously crazy about her,
but I definitely went through a crush. I thought that crush was over... and then this happened.
Thought lead me to this conclusion.

In view of the arguments my girlfriend and I are having right now, with breakup being mentioned in
every argument, other... 'options' naturally look more appealing.

But more than that, this girl isn't attractive because of who she is, but rather who she represents.
I'm fairly sure. She's not ugly or anything, and yeah I'd quite definitely at least try dating her, but she's unspectacular.

It's what she represents.
Singaporean
Christian (well ideally she would have been Catholic)
English speaking
Same age
Ex-AC
Same school

She's like. The avatar of the traits I thought I'd be dating, till life threw me a curveball and left me dating someone very much not like her.

I'm been dealing... but I suppose at some level, I would very much rather be in my comfort zone.

This post ideally would have been Friends only, but since a good number of you don't have LJ accounts. Meh. :(

I was in considerable doubt over my current relationship.
It tends to be the pattern to all of them really.

Except this time I actually got over it.
I'm not sure what triggered the certainty, the renewed commitment, but
I feel actually feel so happy that I'm more certain.

Without going into soppy details, I actually want to 'try' so desperately hard,
I want it to all work out.

I'm still not sure how things will work out really long term, nor if its the best possible fit,
but I'm happy, and I think I'd be stupid to not treasure it.

I guess sometimes it is possible to think too much, and that there are points in life,
where you just gotta appreciate what you have, and stop wondering if better will come along.

That said, I've been strangely reminiscent about my past relationships.
Past as in immediate past, Ling and Fides.

I think both were a real waste... I realise now that I really was too harsh on Ling,
and never gave her a fair chance. I feel... rather regretful about that, because she really was
a great girl, and I definitely screwed up that one. That said, objectively speaking I think
what I ended it over would still have been issues, but in many ways the magnitude of those issues
was magnified by my own... insecurities.

The Fides phase I think died a natural death. I don't think we were ever really that intrinsically
compatible to begin with, and I think things turned out for the best. I just thought about it because
she started using a picture that I took as her profile picture... and I remember where and when it was so clearly. (Marmalade Pantry; Holland Village Branch)

Its... just. Odd. To be where I am now, relationship wise.
I don't think I would have seen myself being here... and yet, well. Here I am.
Life holds funny twists I suppose.

I feel vaguely obliged to talk about school but there is little to say beyond it sucks.
A few interesting faces in school this year, including a girl who was from my ACJC batch.
Science stream, and then worked as an air stewardess for a few years, and just started year one.
Not... hot. But kinda pretty I guess. More sweet than anything else.
A Dutch girl who's either making subtle overtures or is just being friendlier to me than to anyone else. Hahah. I suppose both are possible.

And somehow the two girls I've been carrying a torch for since year 1 are suddenly single. How's that for a year that I come to school attached. The irony is bitin'.

But yes. I'm committed to trying.
I believe we can make it work.
And I'm happy making the effort.

That's the important thing isn't it.
Its not about being happy... its about being happy trying to be happy.
If that made any sense.

Its really such a great song, melody and lyrics.

The Best Mistake I've Ever Made by Joanna Wang

One step too far
All at once I'm falling
Just like a star
I'm burning for you
Thought I could keep myself from feeling this way
I guess that was my first mistake

Cause suddenly I'm walking
Down a dark street to your door
Wanting you is driving me insane
And now my feet are standing
Where they've never stood before
Guided by a twist of fate

If I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I won't be afraid
Cause even if my heart should break
You'd be the best mistake I ever made

I'm in your room
Now there's no denying
What's in your eyes
When I look at you
Two shadows talking but they don't make a sound
Words have lost their meaning now

And the air has turned electric
Now I know the time is right
To put myself into your hands
And suddenly I'm shaking
As your fingers touch my skin
I don't need to understand

But If I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I won't be afraid
Cause even if my heart should break
You'd be the best mistake I ever made

And if tomorrow proves me wrong
I swear I don't belong
I know I'll carry on

So I will lose myself and bare my soul
Take this chance cause heaven knows
I'm so far gone, my choice is made
And even if my heart should break

When I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I'll always say
You're the best mistake I ever made
You're the best mistake I ever made
You're the best mistake I ever made

So. Once a month here we go.
I'm sorry to all my friends who check this and never see anything new...
I realise I tend to close up more in Switzerland because I have no awesomely close friends here,
so I get used to not talking about personal issues that much.

That said, here's a shoutout to the people who bother to check this, namely
Krys, Al, Feli, Jie and Grace. And Yf and Cy. If you check this often and I didn't mention you,
drop a comment, and I'll hook you up with an awesomely ego-boosting mention on this lj. :p

I just feel the incredible need to tell all of you how awesome Iberian Ham is.
Jambon Iberique. How do I even describe the flavour.

Think Parma ham. Now think if you made bak kwa from Parma ham. So its salty and sweet and robust.
That's close to Iberian Ham taste like.

I have to say. The foods I could eat every day: Iberian ham. Foie gras. Wagyu beef and super-fresh sashimi (yellowtail, tuna, swordfish and salmon). Mmmmmm.

And yes, I haven't had lunch and am starving now. ;)