It all boils down to this.

I'm Catholic. I'm quite proud of the fact that I'm Catholic, I'm proud to be Catholic. I firmly believe in God, I've been given numerous personal experiences to reinforce this belief (some might say, coincidence!) but I'm sold on His existence.

What I don't get is the Church. Yes, with a capital C. I don't get the institution that is religion.
But more than that, I don't get why religion makes perfectly sensible people not sensible. Say what?

Ok I overgeneralise. But you see, I get why I'm not supposed to believe in abortion. I get why I'm supposed to think homosexuality is unnatural. And while I'm making up my mind on those things (and even when I do make up my mind), I will never believe that my beliefs and thoughts should translate into laws framed against denying people their rights.

So I get it. I get the it's murder. It's unnatural. Etc.

I don't get why we lobby against laws legalising abortion. I don't get why we lobby against laws that give homosexuals full rights. What is it about these categories of 'sinners', so to speak, that prohibit them from having full rights? Let's remove the rights of adulterers while we're at. Hell (no pun intended) let's put into place a law where non-Christians and Christians who don't go to church regularly can't get married, can't adopt children and can't do other things. Because you know, people who don't go to church or don't believe in salvation are sinners too! Obviously someone who does not believe in my religion has a bad moral compass, or someone who doesn't go to church is corrupt, so clearly they shouldn't be allowed to raise kids too. Definitely. For sure.

What happened to the Ten Commandments. Doesn't that make thieves and adulterers worse sinners than for example, homosexuals? I mean, come on, they're breaking a Commandment.

You see, that's what I don't get. That's why I'll always be ok with someone who believes what they believe. That's why I don't judge people on the question 'is homosexuality wrong'... but on derived questions. About adoption for example. That's why saying 'abortion, assuming all checks and balances work, should still not be legal' is a deal breaker.

That's why I have problems bringing myself to go to church on the day my Saviour is born, because the Church irks me.

This started out as a liberal rights post, and has evolved into a religious rant. Meh.

Religion is personal... and whoever made it into what it has become, to me, wasn't doing it a favour. Yes, the Bible says when two or more are gathered in my name *insert rest of quote here*. Yes Peter was the rock upon which the Lord's church would be built. But no where does it say that praying at home, that truly believing takes a back seat to public displays of affection. Or of faith. I don't see why I need to confess to a priest, when the Lord knows whether I'm repentent or not. So yes. I'm Catholic. But in a broad, ambiguous way. And that's good enough for me, and in my world, that's good enough for my Creator.

Because at the end of the day, or rather, at the end of everything, I don't see the Lord going over every act and every decision. I see Him looking at you and knowing, whether you're worthy or not. I see Him looking at you, at the end product.

Be someone you can be proud of being.
Not someone who conforms.

New Year's resolution, 2009.

And I've decided, no I don't think homosexuality is unnatural. If we all clung to the old testament, we wouldn't be eating pork, and eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth would still rule the day.

Merry Christmas, for our Lord is born.

So I followed up on that conversation.

And... I feel a bit better.
I managed to convey the exact notion of what I had issues with...
And she conceded.

That her view was premised on her stand on homosexuality.
That... after I drew the analogy to abortion, on how believing in it is separate from whether it should be legal.

And so, she conceded that yes, her view on adoption is ultimately personal, and in terms of legality, they should still have those rights.

That however just makes it more complicated... because there's some level of hesitation on my part...
that she's not as fluent as I'd like. Not as innately intelligent as I'd like.

I don't know... Now it's more complicated. But a touch more reassuring.
It's definitely not the right time though. Blah.

It's surreal, to have 'met' someone so randomly.
I'm not sure if there's long term potential, or if things will progress beyond the mutual attraction there is now though.

But essentially she's the elder sister of a school friend's girlfriend.

School friend is Spanish. His girlfriend whom he happened to meet while on internship, is Singaporean.
She came over to visit with sister as chaperone, and well. We get along well, and mutual interest has been established.

But as those of you who follow my twitter know, I'm struggling with her view on certain issues.
I used homosexuality as a dipstick... and that didn't work out too well.

I'm seriously too tired to explain the conversation in full, but basically... she's not really from the same... think-sphere most of my friends are from.

And that's a big deal.

I just don't know whether she can be nudged into that sphere, whether she wants to be in that sphere, or whether she is, but isn't letting on.

I don't know.
All I know is I want her to get back to Singapore so we can spend more time together, and so I can ask her difficult questions that will either scare her off, scare me off, or convince me that we should date.

I guess I'm not that incredibly enthused about her huh, from the way I'm writing.
I mean she doesn't blow me away, like omg-love-of-my-life kinda attraction.
But... there's chemistry. I just don't know if there's enough.

We'll see I suppose.

So yesterday I attended my friends' graduation ceremony.
As expected, one of them who's coincidentally my senior from ACJC, was valedictorian, and also picked up best dissertation.

Going for that ceremony makes me so want to graduate. I seriously can't wait.
I'm really gunning for valedictorian too, which will make it 2 Singaporeans in a row, and BOTH from ACJC hahaha. Awesome.

Someone should send this into ACJC alumni news lol.

Anyway. So can't wait to graduate and finish. It's a whole big unknown after that... but at least I know I need to fulfill internship requirements first before I decide anything, so that part isn't as bad.

It's what happens after I complete my management in training that life really does get complicated.

Hopefully I get a training stint on the east coast. NYC hopefully.
That's still 6 months away though.

Just wanted to say how much I really want to graduate already.

And ask, who's actually still reading this!

so rather surrealistically, over the last two semesters of school,
I've won one travel voucher for 300CHF, and a trip to Champagne.

It's surreal, and ironic, since I often avoid traveling due to the costs, despite being in Europe.

But so I'm going to Champagne this December, for a two day tour of the Champagne houses
and vineyards.

I end up missing two of my finals, but I've been given permission to do them as retakes in January which, while sucky because I have to study during the holidays, is also awesome because my finals work load is nearly halved.

So this semester looks to be coming to a close, and I'm excited see how things end. :)

I find it surreal, that I use Facebook to blog more than I actually use my blog now... but I think this is going to end up copy and paste onto the blog anyway.

You know how people say that they never forget that one true love, that first love, that -insert adjective- love?

I was emptying my Facebook inbox today... and dug up a lot of old messages. Thankfully I only got Facebook post Shirlene, but I dug up a quote I copied off her profile to show my best friend to try and cheer her up. I was actually really curious to know where it's from (and now I realise I think she said it was written by a friend) so I googled it. And found her blog. Well her posterous. And a blog, that she shares with her boyfriend to 'share their eating experiences around the world'. Right.

And I stared at those three blogs... read the profile, scanned through the first 2-3 entries of each. And then for precisely one second. I teared. And then it all cleared up and I felt stupid.

I don't think I'll ever be utterly completely absolutely over her.

But whether because I'm not letting myself move on, or whether I really just can't, I don't know.
I mean, wow I feel so emo-cool to say I have this epic love that doesn't die and makes me cry.
See that even rhymed. I don't know. I kinda want to know how she's doing... what's up with her life... but I don't know how much I'd be able to deal with that.

Maybe it's time I try and be friends if she's willing? I think I'm quite definitely no longer... clinging onto any hope that we get back together. But the memories of how things were, of the expectations that I had, of the stupid dreams I built... those still haunt me.

Friends.
Hmm.

I think I should have gone to Lausanne.

And even now, I think I'd give up all the friends I've made, all the experiences I've gone through, everything, to go back and make that decision all over again.

I hate regret.
It eats at you, like a rabid alien chest-burster, it makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

FML.

Ok this is obviously pointless, and serves no purpose.
But... I couldn't quite bring myself to do this on Facebook (too public) and it's too wordy for Twitter.

We used to have something special. Oh so many years ago.
And I never dared ask... I never dared explore the possibility of anything more than that special friendship because I always assumed you'd say no.

Until I was attached to someone else and told you about that assumption, and you said you would have said yes.

That 'attachment' lasted 3 years and 9 months... and resulted in a wrenching life changing heart break.

Today we're barely even friends. No matter how we try, the messages are sparse and random.
Conversation doesn't really hold... there're just too many years that we lost.

And tonight... while letting my mind wander.
What if.

What if I had asked you. What if we'd tried.
Where would we be now?

Bonus points for (DISCRETELY VIA A MESSAGE) who you think this is about!
Bonus points can be redeemed for free food and beverage upon sufficient accumulation.

There's this Singaporean guy in school this year that I get along pretty well with.
He's just a year younger, Commando sergeant in NS... did a diploma in electrical engineering or something before coming here.

I'm just wary because he says 'Me too.' too much in response to my views.
I mean it's great to find someone who hates stupid people, who's critical and judgmental to a degree,
and to have a common cultural background.

Unfortunately, I've learnt that some people tend to just go 'Hey me too!' to everything as part of the
friend making process.

Plus... my arrogance gets in the way. Like he says 'Yeah I prefer intelligent women too' and I instantly think 'But are our standards of intelligent the same?' and then go 'Ok don't judge... give him a chance.'

Sigh. I'm socially retarded.

I think the inherent problem with Feminism is that we call it Feminism.
The term is too loaded.

Feminism... or at least the perspective that I believe in, isn't about 'women'.
It's about gender. Isn't it?

It's about inequalities that pervade everyday life due to socialisation with regards to gender.
Yes, the majority of Feminist focus on the unequal treatment of the feminine gender, but personally, and I emphasise personally, I don't.

Yes, there are instances where men are pigeon-holed and stereotyped and disadvantaged the way women are.
Yes, I recognise that some Feminists overlook this in the arguments they put forward.
Telling me these things however, doesn't change the fact that the world is an uneven place.
Telling me these things doesn't change that striving to create equality is a noble and worthwhile goal.

Telling me that you suffer too does not make my quest to make everyone suffer less any different?
How does it make any logical sense that just because men suffer in some instances, Feminism is a pointless pursuit? Because there's the word Feminine in the term, and there isn't the word Masculine?

Therefore, what does that make me?
As a Feminist. My position that I don't play favourites on whose rights I fight for, male, female, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transsexual means that I don't subscribe to anything prior to the 'Third-wave' of Feminism. Using Wikipedia as a reference on the differing schools of Feminism, I'm definitely not a Postmodern Feminist, nor am I an Ecofeminist (I find that particular school very interesting as a concept). The closest description that I identify with would be Libertarian Feminism, with particular resonance on Equity and Gender Feminism.

Googling 'Equity Feminism' turns up some disturbing results, like this. Though 'Angry Harry' does make some an interesting argument. Equity Feminists should consider calling themselves something else; because the term Feminism is far too loaded to be used with Equity. Don't agree fully, but does raise what I mentioned earlier in this post.

Oh wait. Wise Geek just gave a much more detailed elaboration on Equity and Gender Feminism. Actually I found the first comment for more helpful than the article by Wise Geek. Thanks Anon37814.

Hmmm.
So my blog/twitter brain-trust, any help on the meaning of the terms?
Can you classify my personal perspective?

Who the hell lumped so many views under Feminism anyway? It was a man, wasn't it.